Hunter*Michelle (ever_x_after) wrote in screwup_society,
Hunter*Michelle
ever_x_after
screwup_society

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I guess for me there's just no hope...

I feel so bad. I made my friend that is diabetic worry and her blood pressure shot up so high. And I did it over a lie. She told me a lie. She told me that she has had sex with her doctor. I thought, I'd better tell someone because that is serious. When I mentioned it to her she told me that she made it up to impress me! And then she got all worried that I was going to go tell anyway. She was in tears and almost passed out. Not only do I feel bad that I made her cry and get really worried, but I also feel bad that I gave her the impression that she had to impress me with something. She felt like she had to do something so cool and rebelious that I'd HAVE to be her friend. I hate that she felt like that. I love her for who she is, not what she does! She is seriously one of the best friends I've ever had. I hate that she thought she had to outdo all my other friends so I would notice her. I hate it so much! Maybe she did it so I would date her (we are both bi). I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I feel like I gave off that I have to be won. I just don't like this at all! I want to cut so bad! I can't though. I promised that I wouldn't. I don't want to break that promise. I promised Sherrie that I'd stop! So, instead I've taken a lot of medicine. So maybe I won't feel anything. For once I WANT to be numb! I don't want to feel this hurt. I don't want to be here anymore! If all I do is hurt people, why am I even here?! It seems like I hurt everyone that I get close to. I always find SOME way to screw things up between us. I guess that's why no one notices me. They are afraid that I'll go and hurt them. I don't blame them though. If I was them, I'd ignore me too. I'm not worth anyone's attention. All I know how to do is hurt people!!

_-_Cross-posted to inthecut_, __cut, screwup_society-_-
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